posted on Jul 17 @ 8:04 pm     0 comment

So here I go on a emotional roller coaster.

Up and down up and down up.. and now I am down.

I am now at the point where I think I made a mistake by breaking off all ties with Mark… I am just scared. More scared then I could possibly imagine. I don’t know what is in store for me. I did this in hopes that it would turn out for the better for us. I have to step out of the picture so he can decide on what he wants. If that is me. And if he really wants me in his life period then he will tell me that. And if he doesn’t then I will only take it that he is content with me not being in it.

I always wonder if the things I say actually come out the way I mean them. I wish I could just connect people by a cord brain to brain so they could truly understand it, feel it, think it, everything. Then after that I want to hear their feedback. Want to know what they would do. 

It was the hardest thing having to say goodbye to Mark for the 3rd time really. And I don’t know how much either one of us can take it. I feel like I lost because I lost the best thing in my life. But he cant give me what I want, and I cant give him want he wants unless I don’t talk to him. I don’t want anyone to think badly of him because of anything that I have said or anything. Because really he is a good person and we aren’t dating so I don’t really have a right to say or ask anything of him. But because of our past I feel like its different. I am not just some girl he was talking to. I am more than that. Better than that. 

I hope he still reads this, and through this I am hoping to be able to reach out to him i some way. Even if its just to say “Hello.” I miss hearing his voice when I go to sleep and I miss hearing it when I wake up.

Even if we never get back together I still lost a part of me. I lost a best-friend, a companion my partner in crime. And I don’t care what anyone has to say I wont ever be able to love another like I loved him. Our love was one of a kind that ran deeper than anything I have ever seen or felt. And if it is as true and real as I think it is then we will get over this. I just have to give it more time.

And here I am once again Up and down up and down and now I’m UP!

*Ashley

posted on Jul 17 @ 12:47 am     0 comment

So I know all of you have been waiting for me to write something and well here it is. I apologize for what is about to come because I am just going to let it all out and I am afraid that it isn’t going to make much sense really. 

Me and Mark broke up again… our friendship that is.

Well actually I did it. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because it just hurts too much. I mean to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back is really hard. And just damn frustrating especially when they used to love you more than anything in the world and were together for four years. Then.. one day its over. I am trying to catch up to realize it. And its really fucking me up that he dosnt know what he wants. He dosent know where he wants this to go. But he dosent want me to sit around and wait but wants to talk to me like that. Its really hard. So I just have to end it. He has to figure out what is really important to him and we will see if he coms around to seeing that I am into this relationship 150%. But only if it’s plausible.

But it is my fault that I am right here again. I let him back inside and I knew better than that. I was skeptical when he started talking to me again and I should of been. Now things will be different, even more so than before. I fell for him all over again, I let those things he said to me get to my head and straight to my heart.

And now I am paying the consequences.

Thats all I have to say about it… I think. I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t going on with my life. 

And I am starting to get that one feeling all over again which is good news…

posted on Jul 12 @ 3:39 pm     0 comment

and I dont know what to do…